Red velvet cookies were my venture today...

"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."

-Charlie, The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

That is the quote that pretty much sums up my life right now. I have so many amazing things going for me right now. Actually, everything is the most perfect that it's been in such a long time.

But for some reason, I have cried every single night for the past week. And it's hard because the question of the week is, "Aren't you so excited?!"

And the answer is, "Yes, of course." But at the same time, I am more nervous than I am excited. The worst part is that I cannot really explain why I'm nervous. Logic says that I am nervous about getting back into the swing of things, but I really do not think that's it.

I'm nervous about getting into my own head again. I'm nervous about feeling a certain way, but not being able communicate it to other people like before. It is not anybody's job to be on top of me 24/7 to see how I'm doing, but at the same time, I am terrified of not having that. Being home has given me a security blanket that I've have taken way too much advantage of (is that even a sentence?).

I am scared of the things I am leaving behind. Things that have the possibility of no longer being here once I'm gone. I know moving forward and being back at school is the right thing to do. I know I am making the right choice. It just sometimes gets exhausting trying to convince everyone else.

The good news is that I've grown as a person. I have become a more rational being, and I know a rational thought versus an irrational one. And I know it is going to take tremendous effort on my part to be accountable for myself. And it's going to take even more effort to ask close friends to check in with me, even though my feeling are not something they are responsible for.

This is all over the place, but my point that I wanted everyone to know is:

I'm happy, but I'm sad. But I'm okay.

Peace and Love.