One doesn't have to be the loneliest number

Relationships aren't me. There is really no getting by that. It's just not really what I'm into. Maybe one day when the time is right it'll be for me, but not any time soon. Besides, I don't feel it is something you plan. It isn't like the world is a marketplace where you go find "the right one" or even "the one to just pass the time." When it is right, it'll happen. I think when people try to force themselves out of their loneliness is where everything goes wrong. When you try to feel something with someone else just because you want to feel something, anything, that is when there is trouble. You cannot find yourself through someone else, no matter how hard you try. What is going to happen down the line is you realizing you are only a shell of someone, and what you are projecting to the world is someone else. You are someone else's image because you tried to find yourself through another person. How can you ever be truly you that way? This is when we see the bitter breakups and the ugly divorces.

Obviously I haven't found myself. And it'll probably take a while for me to do so. If someone comes along for the ride, then let them. But being single doesn't define me. And I'm doing just fine.

Listening to:

Pyro - Kings of Leon

Everlasting Light - The Black Keys

It starts with a flood and ends with a tr-tr-trickle

What can I do to help?

As long as you ask at a convenient time.

I'm here to talk if you need it!

But as long as we can only talk about you for a few minutes. Oh, and please do not talk about anything real. That makes me uncomfortable.

Tell me about you! What's going on?

But please keep it limited to good gossip. If there is nothing to gossip about, I'm not interested.

Why do you feel like that?

Can't you just, like, get over it already?

I know what you mean!

Because I want to minimize what you're feeling so we can somehow make this about me...duh.

I'm always here!

Especially if you want me to look at you like you're pathetic. Oh! And I can remind you why my life is worse!

Are you sure you're ok?

Oh, did I mention that there is really only one answer to this? Otherwise I can't deal with you.

Why can't you be a good friend?

It's not like there is something actually wrong with you. You're just being dramatic.

When the gust came around to blow me down, I held on as tightly as you held on to me

co·de·pend·ent - adj.

of or pertaining to a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted, as to alcohol or gambling, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way.

Dictionary.com is pretty good at giving the definitions to words that I think are most fitting. It was not until today I learned a completely new concept of the word codependent, and realized that I am an extremely codependent person.

But how can that be? I'm not addicted to anyone. I don't have a problem with alcohol or gambling. So how on earth could I possibly be codependent?

As I sat down to write, I thought I would write out my entire thought process and the lesson that I learned today that led me to my conclusion, but I am not. Part of my codependency is the need for others to understand me, and that would be all I am doing in writing it out. Normally I write on here to have a moment of self realization, but I've already had that today.

So my real thought today is that I want you to question what is around you. Just because it is the "norm" doesn't mean that is supposed to be. You don't always have to be something for someone. Be something for you.

Listening to:

Down by the Water - The Drums

Well...It could be worse...

I seriously cannot stop laughing...

Because You Just Have to Ask

I know you're good
I know you're right
I know you mean the best
everytime you stop by
don't know what to say
or know how to act
cause I'm still moved by you
cause you just have to ask

No it doesn't hurt
unless I walk.
I don't feel pain
unless I try to talk.
I don't even cry
unless I open my eyes.
I don't need to kick or scream or curse
No, it doesn't hurt.

You don't have to call
to make sure I'm up
cause I'm still wide awake
cause I'm still lost in shock
I know you're concerned
I know you're just sick
and I know you'd feel better
if I were over it.

No it doesn't hurt
unless I walk.
I don't feel pain
unless I try to talk.
I don't even cry
unless I open my eyes.
I don't need to kick or scream or curse
No, it doesn't hurt.

I am wind.
I am the sand.
I am scared.
I am a woman.
And I'm fine
cause I deserve
the time to feel hurt.

I know you're good.
I know you're afraid.
and I know its futile
would you just let me me.
So what will you say
what you've haven't said?
The question you asked me just
makes me feel better you left.

No, it doesn't hurt
unless I move.
I don't feel anything
unless I think of you.
I don't even cry
unless I open my eyes.
I don't need to kick, or scream

No it doesn't hurt
unless I walk.
I don't feel anything
unless i try to talk.
I don't even cry
unless I open my eyes .
I don't need kick or scream or curse.
No.

It doesn't hurt.

Third Wheel.

When looking at the group dynamic of my friends, I'm constantly what some people would call "the third wheel." That is not necessarily a bad thing. I've always been the girl who doesn't do the whole committed relationship thing, even though a majority of my friends do. And you can constantly find me hanging out with my friend and their significant other. That's just the way it has always kind of worked. Occasionally I will find that it can bother me, but for the most part I'm fine with it. That is until this last weekend. I went home to visit with friends over the weekend, which was extremely nice. But on Saturday I found myself in our favorite local coffee shop sitting with four of my friends. But these four friends were couples, so I was playing fifth wheel rather than third wheel. As they were talking, I had one of those "this is my life" moments. I became extremely disturbed that this was the role I was always playing. Whether I am in the coffee shop, or sitting in my room with my roommate and her boyfriend, my role is always lonely girl. Now, this is not some desperate plea for me to have a significant other anytime soon; it's more of me wonder why I cast myself in the role that always is alone. Because of my "love" to push people away, I know I do this intentionally (even if it is through my subconscious). That's kind of sad, isn't it? As I sat down to write this, I was hoping that I would come to some revelation about how I should fix it, but the truth is, I have no clue. I know I'll continue to be the third wheel as I always am. I am a huge proponent of making the change you want, but I have no idea how to make this change. There is not a way to change my DNA to make me a second wheel, or even a first or fourth. Just my thoughts for the night...

Listening to:

Tighten Up - The Black Keys

Ali Woke Up, 8 am, Graduation Day.

It is currently past 2 in the morning, and I am dancing around (nothing too strenuous, doctors. The knee is holding up just fine) and cleaning my dorm room. Everyone is gone for fall break, so it is like I have the entire building to myself. It might be insane, but late at night is when I am most productive. I'm almost certain I was meant to be an owl (Perhaps further explanation of my obsession with birds? Maybe?). On my pandora station, "A Lifetime" by Better Than Ezra came on. I can't help but giggle when I hear it. My best friend's name is Ali. In my eyes, it is possible that she hung the moon and stars. I can remember when we were sophomores in high school, Ali was riding in the car with her brother, Jefferson. "A Lifetime" came on, and I think Ali freaked out. The very first lines of the song are: "Ali woke up, 8 am, graduation day. Got into her car, crashed along the way." Sounds so pleasant, right? I wasn't actually in the car when Ali heard this, but when I saw her a few hours later, she played me the song and I could see the worry written all over her face. Although I don't know if she'll ever admit it, I think she was scared that Better Than Ezra just immortalized her fate in their song. I'm sitting here laughing just thinking about it. I even poked fun at her for it many times. Next time I see her, I'll probably do the same thing. But I am not going to lie, I was worried on Ali's graduation day. I kept thinking: "Ashlee, here comes karma. She is going to get in a car wreck all because you made fun of her for that song." I was so worried that I even texted her on my way to her graduation, but of course she was too busy to answer which worried me even more. But to much of my relief, I saw Ali's family and was able to breathe easier. Ali had the honor of saying the pledge at the graduation since she was Student Council President. Everyone around could tell that Ali was nervous as she said the pledge to hundreds of people. Her boyfriend and I started to laugh, and Ali's mom (who was laughing too, although she'll never admit it) kicked us and told us to stop. But I think Anderson and I were laughing for different reasons. I think Anderson was laughing for the sake of Ali's nerves, but I was laughing because I was so happy that Ali was here to get nervous. All day I had been imagining what life would be like without Ali in it, and it was frightening. Being at different colleges now has given a more realistic view of that, and it is miserable. I am so lucky to have her in life, even if we may be 6 hours apart now. I think I might have even brought up "A Lifetime" to Ali on graduation night, but I can't be sure. I am glad it is something we can laugh about now. I only wish that she were here to dance around my room with me : )

So I stand in the sun, and I breathe with my lungs

I cannot describe how beautiful Memphis is right now. It is no secret that I am not Memphis' biggest fan, but Memphis in the fall is nothing but beautiful. It fills my heart with so much joy when I drive by the pumpkin patches; the Starbucks signs advertising their seasonal treats; the leaves fluttering down on me with their new colors. Just breathing in the air is beautiful. And when I get upset or mad, I feel so guilty because I should be grateful; grateful to be able to see the beauty that surrounds me. Last night I had one of my not-so-good nights while being on duty as a RA. It was one in the morning and I was just furious that this kid has put me through the ringer. But as I was walking back to my dorm, I stopped. I just stood in the crisp air and looked up to the moon. I was so overwhelmed with how wonderful my surroundings were. For just those few minutes, every insignificant thing was gone, and I was just there. And I can't help but wonder why I can't take more moments like that in the day where I just stand still and breathe. One of my closest friends has one of the most beautiful souls you could ever imagine. Now, this can be said of all four of my closest friends, but the way Emily looks at things is incredible. She can see the beauty in things that I would have never had a second thought about. Just the way a flower has bloomed can make her entire day. I often find myself envying her that I can't notice beauty like that. I can watch her just looking into the sky, or humming a song and see how elated she is. And then I feel grateful to have her as a puzzle piece to my life. So here's to being a little more like Emily. Here's to standing in the sun and breathing with my lungs. I love you Emily : )

But I am older now...

Lately I have been obsessed with the concept of "growing up" and a "loss of innocence". I don't know why I have been constantly thinking about it. I have been doing a lot of reflection and I am always wondering what it means to grow up. I know plenty of "adults" who I think are still growing up. Do we ever stop growing up? The phrase "I was young and naive" always seems applicable. I can say it now referring to high school. When I am thirty I can say it in reference to my twenties. When I am forty I can say it in reference to my thirties, and so forth. Sometimes I think I am scared that I will always be running and will never be settling down. And that is not completely a bad thing. But I think I want that point where I take a deep breath and say, "I did that when I was young and I did it because I was young." And then there is a loss of innocence. As a lover of literature, my favorite works are those that are "coming of age stories" where there is a loss of innocence. There is something so beautiful about that to me, even if that loss is sometimes tragic. It's beautifully tragic. But then I come back to real life. Our innocence is often lost when we crash into life. And it is very rare that crash is anything but a mess. Do I love the concept so much now? I don't know if I have an answer to that question. Maybe reflection on it is poetic, but when it happens it hurts like hell. So is that beautiful tragedy worth it? Would we still choose to have that loss for the sake of its symbolism and the growing we do?

Life I Love You. All Is Groovy.

I find that I have been complaining a lot lately. It's not on purpose, but it always seems to be the easiest thing to do. I want to be upset with how things happened, and how they happened to me, but that never does me any good. I get so caught up in it that I forget about how I am blessed now. I recovered from something this year that many people don't get to recover from. I finished my freshman year of college when many people told me to take time off. I am surrounded by some of the most amazing people that I take for granted everyday. Have you ever listened to that Simon & Garfunkel song "The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy)"? I'm sure you have, but have you ever really listened to it? I usually listen to it first thing in the morning. Actually, there was a time that I listened to it every single morning as I would get ready for my day. Sometimes I am convinced that if I could listen to that song every morning while walking down the street (the weather would always be perfect, of course), and if I could talk to the lamp-posts and get fresh sunflowers, that every single day could be a good one. Isn't it funny how music can do that to you? Do you think Simon & Garfunkel knew what feelings they were creating when writing this music? I would like to think that they did. I want to say that they started a revolution, but that is probably inaccurate. Maybe I could say that they started a revolution in me. At least the beginnings of one, anyway. I think my goal for this school year (well one goal on the list of many) will be find something in my life every morning that can make me say "life I love you, all is groovy."

"I Want to Leave Room in My Life to be Inspired"

This summer I have had the privilege of meeting one of the most inspiring people. She isn't someone you read about in the New York Times, or a critically acclaimed author (watch out, she might be someday). Technically, she's just my boss. But I feel that each day I come into the office I leave just a little bit wiser. She could talk to wall if she had to, and I wouldn't be surprised if the wall eventually talked back just because she is just that captivating. About a month ago she and I had a conversation about where we're going in life. I, of course, talk about my plans of law school and how I'll never deviate from my plan. She, however, says that she would be content to start something new. And there I sat confused. This woman is so successful in her career, but yet she would be happy to just start all over. I asked about this, and told me a story of a boy who was inspired by a professor and led a very successful life, but much different from the one he had planned before he met this professor. She then says to me, "I want to be like that. I want to leave room in my life to be inspired." And I kind of felt like I had been hit over the head. These are the words that I search for through countless songs and literature, and here I was sitting across a desk from a person who just inspired me more than any song or book. And I've been holding on to what she said that day. Does my plan leave room for that inspiration? I feel that there are times that I feel I receive inspiration, but then don't know what to do with it. I want to do something bigger than me, but what? I seem to always play on the safe side. I hope my semester abroad will allow me act on my inspiration. I want to do things that I never thought I'd do; push myself to new extremes. Most of all, I want to find me. I want to live and love. I want to be inspired.

"You realize that the sun don't go down, it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round"

Listening to:

Do You Realize? - The Flaming Lips

So the past few days have been the best days of summer, by far. Three of my best friends in the world came to visit me in Memphis. It's funny that it took people from home to show me how much I really do enjoy this city. They found beauty in things that I take for granted. I absolutely loved getting to take them around and show them, what is now, "my town". Last night we went to a hookah bar and had a great conversation that varied from things like our future careers, relationships, to even our childhood. I talked about how my childhood has caused me to go for a career that will guarantee me stability rather than doing a job that I want more than anything to do. It brings up the question of when do we take risks to feel fulfilled, and when does it cross the line of practicality? Like if I strove to achieve my dream job, I think I absolutely could one day do it. But because of my childhood, I don't think that I can make the sacrifices it would take to actually reach that ultimate goal. But when I'm 40 will I be bitter that I never took the risk? I have so many things I want to do with my life ; I want to travel, own vineyards, learn an instrument, maybe fall in love. But to do these things it all seems to lead to the point that I need to have financial stability, even if that means doing something that I don't absolutely love. So does that mean that the ends satisfy the means? I feel like I'm going to get so caught up in achieving "the means" that I am going to forget to live. I want to be this carefree person who throws caution to the wind, but at the end of the day it comes down to me being afraid to not do life by the book. I just want to be happy, and I feel like I'm coming up to that checkpoint in life that at whichever road I take is going to determine my happiness and it'll be awhile before I get to the next checkpoint to do something different. And in the end, I know I am over thinking things; I should just be worrying about "the now", but it's in my nature to worry about "the then". Just something to think about...

I hope this what I am doing when I'm 80:

I Can't Think You're Mean Because I Volunteered to be Misled

"This bitter earth,

Well, what fruit it bears.

What good is love that no one shares?

And if my life is like the dust

that hides the glow of a rose,

What good am I?

Heaven

Only knows.

Lord, this bitter earth

Yes can be so cold.

Today you're young,

Too soon, you're old.

But a voice within me cries,

I'm sure someone may answer my call.

And this bitter earth may not be so bitter after all."

I really have a lot going on emotionally right now in my life. I am dealing with things that I thought I had buried for good. And newly, someone I consider to be a big part of my life is about to leave to start a new beginning. Honestly, I feel ecstatic for him. He is going to do such great things, and he really needs this. But on the other hand, there goes one of the first consistent things in my life in a long time. I have already played this game before, and last time I lost. I can only describe what I am going through as if I am standing underneath a gate. Before the gate drops I can either go out into the world, or I can close myself off. Obviously, the latter isn't the one I want, but I am scared it is the one I am going to do. I feel like I am down on the ground, and every time I am almost able to get back up again I am pushed back down. I am in a town where I feel like I know everybody and nobody at the same time. There is just nothing that I connect to here. The obvious solution would be to go somewhere else. But where is that? Am I able to pick up and start all over? Again? I just feel lost. But this time I don't know who is going to find me.

Up In the Woods

I feel like a lot and nothing has happened since I last wrote. I've worked quite a bit, and I'm really enjoying it. I went home for a few days to see friends and family. That was so fantastic. Most notably would be my trip to Heifer Ranch. This was no voluntary trip -- it was required by the scholarship program I'm a part of at my college. The concept of Heifer International is spectacular. They promote development rather than relief for third world countries. The way they actually promote this idea, though, is not so spectacular-- or at least it wasn't with a group of college kids who just finished finals the day before and just want to start summer and sleep. The programming was meant for high-schoolers, which I only think added to our dislike of the program. Basically we were separated into 4 groups: lower class Mississippi Delta (ok, not exactly third world, but...), Upper Class Tibet (it was worse than lower class MD), lower class Tibet (just imagine), and Mozambique (might as well prepare yourself to starve for a few days). I was in lower class Tibet and slept in a tent made of yak hair...yum. We basically did chores (milk the goats, clean the coops, pasteurize milk, etc.) and cooked over open fire. All of this in 100 degree heat and while the programming staff is giving us a hard time over every little thing. Oh, did I mention I'm allergic to grass and hay? Guess what we were completely surrounded by...There were positive parts, though. I bonded with my bonner class (the scholarship program), felt like a badass by sneaking off the ranch to go to sonic (twice!), and saw a million fireflies. And I will give Heifer credit for what they are doing. It's a beautiful concept that I completely support; I just didn't have the best experience at their Ranch. But there was a good moment of clarity for myself. The second night we were there I lied awake in my tent looking at the beautiful light-show the fireflies were putting on while listening to my ipod on shuffle (which I had to sneak in). The most perfect song for the moment came on shuffle: "Woods" by Bon Iver. The song only has four lines of lyrics, but they were so effervescently perfect:

"I'm up in the woods,

I'm down on my mind.

I'm building a still

to slow down the time."

For the first time I felt like I was breathing again (metaphorically. Literally my allergies were killing me). I felt like it was time to breathe. Time come to peace with things I can't control. Know that I am loved and be thankful. I immediately went home for a few days after the Heifer experience. My moment with Bon Iver and fireflies prompted me to finally get the tattoo I've been wanting for two years: a small outline of a bird on the inside of my left wrist. It is my constant reminder to let go, breathe, and be free. Peace and Love.

Well. Here I Am.

I never thought I would see the day that I would start a blog. I use to journal. A lot. But now that I am here at college, it's rare that I'm ever away from my computer. So this is my newest option. I am actually pretty excited about it. I have just finished my freshman year of college. It feels crazy. I feel like it was yesterday that my parents were helping me unpack, and today my parents are helping unpack again -- except this time it's groceries in my dorm room that I will be living in this summer. I kind of feel like a Debbie Downer. Summer is used to be a time when I would come up with all of these crazy expectations, and say things to my friends like, "This will be the best summer ever!" But here I am. I'm done with classes and finals; I've come to the shore of summer. And I have absolutely no expectations. This devastates me. I only have a few more years that I have a real "summer" before I really embark in the "real world". I should be embracing this. Living life to its fullest. So I will. This summer will be the summer that I work on myself. This whole year I've questioned who I really am. Is this the summer that I figure it all out? Ha, no. I think we have a while until that happens. But I am going to focus on me. What I need and what I want -- not what others think I need and want. So friends, here's to new beginnings and to the 'best summer ever'!