I Can't Think You're Mean Because I Volunteered to be Misled

"This bitter earth,

Well, what fruit it bears.

What good is love that no one shares?

And if my life is like the dust

that hides the glow of a rose,

What good am I?

Heaven

Only knows.

Lord, this bitter earth

Yes can be so cold.

Today you're young,

Too soon, you're old.

But a voice within me cries,

I'm sure someone may answer my call.

And this bitter earth may not be so bitter after all."

I really have a lot going on emotionally right now in my life. I am dealing with things that I thought I had buried for good. And newly, someone I consider to be a big part of my life is about to leave to start a new beginning. Honestly, I feel ecstatic for him. He is going to do such great things, and he really needs this. But on the other hand, there goes one of the first consistent things in my life in a long time. I have already played this game before, and last time I lost. I can only describe what I am going through as if I am standing underneath a gate. Before the gate drops I can either go out into the world, or I can close myself off. Obviously, the latter isn't the one I want, but I am scared it is the one I am going to do. I feel like I am down on the ground, and every time I am almost able to get back up again I am pushed back down. I am in a town where I feel like I know everybody and nobody at the same time. There is just nothing that I connect to here. The obvious solution would be to go somewhere else. But where is that? Am I able to pick up and start all over? Again? I just feel lost. But this time I don't know who is going to find me.

Up In the Woods

I feel like a lot and nothing has happened since I last wrote. I've worked quite a bit, and I'm really enjoying it. I went home for a few days to see friends and family. That was so fantastic. Most notably would be my trip to Heifer Ranch. This was no voluntary trip -- it was required by the scholarship program I'm a part of at my college. The concept of Heifer International is spectacular. They promote development rather than relief for third world countries. The way they actually promote this idea, though, is not so spectacular-- or at least it wasn't with a group of college kids who just finished finals the day before and just want to start summer and sleep. The programming was meant for high-schoolers, which I only think added to our dislike of the program. Basically we were separated into 4 groups: lower class Mississippi Delta (ok, not exactly third world, but...), Upper Class Tibet (it was worse than lower class MD), lower class Tibet (just imagine), and Mozambique (might as well prepare yourself to starve for a few days). I was in lower class Tibet and slept in a tent made of yak hair...yum. We basically did chores (milk the goats, clean the coops, pasteurize milk, etc.) and cooked over open fire. All of this in 100 degree heat and while the programming staff is giving us a hard time over every little thing. Oh, did I mention I'm allergic to grass and hay? Guess what we were completely surrounded by...There were positive parts, though. I bonded with my bonner class (the scholarship program), felt like a badass by sneaking off the ranch to go to sonic (twice!), and saw a million fireflies. And I will give Heifer credit for what they are doing. It's a beautiful concept that I completely support; I just didn't have the best experience at their Ranch. But there was a good moment of clarity for myself. The second night we were there I lied awake in my tent looking at the beautiful light-show the fireflies were putting on while listening to my ipod on shuffle (which I had to sneak in). The most perfect song for the moment came on shuffle: "Woods" by Bon Iver. The song only has four lines of lyrics, but they were so effervescently perfect:

"I'm up in the woods,

I'm down on my mind.

I'm building a still

to slow down the time."

For the first time I felt like I was breathing again (metaphorically. Literally my allergies were killing me). I felt like it was time to breathe. Time come to peace with things I can't control. Know that I am loved and be thankful. I immediately went home for a few days after the Heifer experience. My moment with Bon Iver and fireflies prompted me to finally get the tattoo I've been wanting for two years: a small outline of a bird on the inside of my left wrist. It is my constant reminder to let go, breathe, and be free. Peace and Love.