Pain Comes in Stages. If we don't make it, nothing changes

"I'll find strength in pain, and I will change my ways."

For those who do not know me, you might not know that the past year has been extremely hard on me. And for many who do know me, you might not know either. If you had asked me about my mental state two months ago, I would have told you I've surrendered. The pain was too much to bear. It wasn't until a friend reminded me of one of my favorite songs the other day (Paint the Silence - South) that I realized how my mental state has changed. The lyrics are:

How can you say your life is empty
So late in the day
Why would you stay another second
Now your sights got in the way
A combination of love and aggression
Another second lived

Don't paint the silence black now save me
Don't leave it a day
You got a right to stand or die so maybe
You take chances all the same
Pain comes in stages if we don't make it
Nothing changes

Now the violence sleeps inside
Abandoned feeling for just a piece of mind
It's the reason why your teething side frustrates me (irates me)

Don't leave me to pick up on your questions
Not even a day
It's alright to finish up your sentence
You talk all the same
Pain comes in stages if we don't make it
Nothing changes

I have a new feeling of not wanting to succumb. I do not want this thing inside of me to win. Does that make it less painful? No. But if I cannot make it through this, then what have I accomplished? I am a goal setter. Surrendering is not a goal. So I have finally come up with my New Years resolution:

I am going to fight. And I am fighting for me, not because others tell me to.

So here is to keeping our resolutions.

Listening to:

Paint the Silence - South

Music. My Heart.

Anybody who likes music will say that they have the best taste in music, and rarely will they ever concede to this point of view. At least, this is the way I see music.

I've been questioning what I'm doing with my life a lot lately. Which I think is good. This is the time that I am supposed to be questioning. I get scared sometimes that I am going into my profession because I want financial stability, not because I actually will love what I am doing. When I think of something I love, it's music. No, I do not play an instrument, nor do I sing, but I have a relationship with music.

It's more than tunes and words to me. It's a feeling. It's a feeling that will grab me and sometimes swallow me whole. It will embrace me and cradle me, and sometimes it will throw me to the wolves. Do I have the best taste in the world? Probably not. I definitely love my Britney Spears and Taylor Swift (Oh hush, you know you have some guilty pleasures, too). But it's so subjective, and that's what I love about it. I grew up reading Rolling Stone and fantasizing about one day writing for them; or being a music critic in general. It's so Almost Famous, right?

But in reality, it's the truth. If I could do absolutely anything in my life, I would be a music critic. I want to contribute to someone else's life with music like it was for me. I want to place, what I consider to be, the most powerful thing in the world in someone's life who needs it. Who is in a hard place and needs something to ground them. Bring music to someone who is so elated, they can only find their own words in someone else's. Music is a spirit, and I want to be responsible for putting spirit into someone else's life.

But will I ever really do it? To my dismay, probably not. I love music, but like most of my relationships, I am scared to commit to it. Growing up financially unstable, I am scared to go into a profession where so few make it. But I am thinking of starting a music blog. I will let you know how that goes. But for now, family law here I come.

Listening to:

Big Jet Plane - Angus and Julia Stone