It starts with a flood and ends with a tr-tr-trickle

What can I do to help?

As long as you ask at a convenient time.

I'm here to talk if you need it!

But as long as we can only talk about you for a few minutes. Oh, and please do not talk about anything real. That makes me uncomfortable.

Tell me about you! What's going on?

But please keep it limited to good gossip. If there is nothing to gossip about, I'm not interested.

Why do you feel like that?

Can't you just, like, get over it already?

I know what you mean!

Because I want to minimize what you're feeling so we can somehow make this about me...duh.

I'm always here!

Especially if you want me to look at you like you're pathetic. Oh! And I can remind you why my life is worse!

Are you sure you're ok?

Oh, did I mention that there is really only one answer to this? Otherwise I can't deal with you.

Why can't you be a good friend?

It's not like there is something actually wrong with you. You're just being dramatic.

When the gust came around to blow me down, I held on as tightly as you held on to me

co·de·pend·ent - adj.

of or pertaining to a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted, as to alcohol or gambling, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way.

Dictionary.com is pretty good at giving the definitions to words that I think are most fitting. It was not until today I learned a completely new concept of the word codependent, and realized that I am an extremely codependent person.

But how can that be? I'm not addicted to anyone. I don't have a problem with alcohol or gambling. So how on earth could I possibly be codependent?

As I sat down to write, I thought I would write out my entire thought process and the lesson that I learned today that led me to my conclusion, but I am not. Part of my codependency is the need for others to understand me, and that would be all I am doing in writing it out. Normally I write on here to have a moment of self realization, but I've already had that today.

So my real thought today is that I want you to question what is around you. Just because it is the "norm" doesn't mean that is supposed to be. You don't always have to be something for someone. Be something for you.

Listening to:

Down by the Water - The Drums

Well...It could be worse...

I seriously cannot stop laughing...

Because You Just Have to Ask

I know you're good
I know you're right
I know you mean the best
everytime you stop by
don't know what to say
or know how to act
cause I'm still moved by you
cause you just have to ask

No it doesn't hurt
unless I walk.
I don't feel pain
unless I try to talk.
I don't even cry
unless I open my eyes.
I don't need to kick or scream or curse
No, it doesn't hurt.

You don't have to call
to make sure I'm up
cause I'm still wide awake
cause I'm still lost in shock
I know you're concerned
I know you're just sick
and I know you'd feel better
if I were over it.

No it doesn't hurt
unless I walk.
I don't feel pain
unless I try to talk.
I don't even cry
unless I open my eyes.
I don't need to kick or scream or curse
No, it doesn't hurt.

I am wind.
I am the sand.
I am scared.
I am a woman.
And I'm fine
cause I deserve
the time to feel hurt.

I know you're good.
I know you're afraid.
and I know its futile
would you just let me me.
So what will you say
what you've haven't said?
The question you asked me just
makes me feel better you left.

No, it doesn't hurt
unless I move.
I don't feel anything
unless I think of you.
I don't even cry
unless I open my eyes.
I don't need to kick, or scream

No it doesn't hurt
unless I walk.
I don't feel anything
unless i try to talk.
I don't even cry
unless I open my eyes .
I don't need kick or scream or curse.
No.

It doesn't hurt.

Third Wheel.

When looking at the group dynamic of my friends, I'm constantly what some people would call "the third wheel." That is not necessarily a bad thing. I've always been the girl who doesn't do the whole committed relationship thing, even though a majority of my friends do. And you can constantly find me hanging out with my friend and their significant other. That's just the way it has always kind of worked. Occasionally I will find that it can bother me, but for the most part I'm fine with it. That is until this last weekend. I went home to visit with friends over the weekend, which was extremely nice. But on Saturday I found myself in our favorite local coffee shop sitting with four of my friends. But these four friends were couples, so I was playing fifth wheel rather than third wheel. As they were talking, I had one of those "this is my life" moments. I became extremely disturbed that this was the role I was always playing. Whether I am in the coffee shop, or sitting in my room with my roommate and her boyfriend, my role is always lonely girl. Now, this is not some desperate plea for me to have a significant other anytime soon; it's more of me wonder why I cast myself in the role that always is alone. Because of my "love" to push people away, I know I do this intentionally (even if it is through my subconscious). That's kind of sad, isn't it? As I sat down to write this, I was hoping that I would come to some revelation about how I should fix it, but the truth is, I have no clue. I know I'll continue to be the third wheel as I always am. I am a huge proponent of making the change you want, but I have no idea how to make this change. There is not a way to change my DNA to make me a second wheel, or even a first or fourth. Just my thoughts for the night...

Listening to:

Tighten Up - The Black Keys

Ali Woke Up, 8 am, Graduation Day.

It is currently past 2 in the morning, and I am dancing around (nothing too strenuous, doctors. The knee is holding up just fine) and cleaning my dorm room. Everyone is gone for fall break, so it is like I have the entire building to myself. It might be insane, but late at night is when I am most productive. I'm almost certain I was meant to be an owl (Perhaps further explanation of my obsession with birds? Maybe?). On my pandora station, "A Lifetime" by Better Than Ezra came on. I can't help but giggle when I hear it. My best friend's name is Ali. In my eyes, it is possible that she hung the moon and stars. I can remember when we were sophomores in high school, Ali was riding in the car with her brother, Jefferson. "A Lifetime" came on, and I think Ali freaked out. The very first lines of the song are: "Ali woke up, 8 am, graduation day. Got into her car, crashed along the way." Sounds so pleasant, right? I wasn't actually in the car when Ali heard this, but when I saw her a few hours later, she played me the song and I could see the worry written all over her face. Although I don't know if she'll ever admit it, I think she was scared that Better Than Ezra just immortalized her fate in their song. I'm sitting here laughing just thinking about it. I even poked fun at her for it many times. Next time I see her, I'll probably do the same thing. But I am not going to lie, I was worried on Ali's graduation day. I kept thinking: "Ashlee, here comes karma. She is going to get in a car wreck all because you made fun of her for that song." I was so worried that I even texted her on my way to her graduation, but of course she was too busy to answer which worried me even more. But to much of my relief, I saw Ali's family and was able to breathe easier. Ali had the honor of saying the pledge at the graduation since she was Student Council President. Everyone around could tell that Ali was nervous as she said the pledge to hundreds of people. Her boyfriend and I started to laugh, and Ali's mom (who was laughing too, although she'll never admit it) kicked us and told us to stop. But I think Anderson and I were laughing for different reasons. I think Anderson was laughing for the sake of Ali's nerves, but I was laughing because I was so happy that Ali was here to get nervous. All day I had been imagining what life would be like without Ali in it, and it was frightening. Being at different colleges now has given a more realistic view of that, and it is miserable. I am so lucky to have her in life, even if we may be 6 hours apart now. I think I might have even brought up "A Lifetime" to Ali on graduation night, but I can't be sure. I am glad it is something we can laugh about now. I only wish that she were here to dance around my room with me : )

So I stand in the sun, and I breathe with my lungs

I cannot describe how beautiful Memphis is right now. It is no secret that I am not Memphis' biggest fan, but Memphis in the fall is nothing but beautiful. It fills my heart with so much joy when I drive by the pumpkin patches; the Starbucks signs advertising their seasonal treats; the leaves fluttering down on me with their new colors. Just breathing in the air is beautiful. And when I get upset or mad, I feel so guilty because I should be grateful; grateful to be able to see the beauty that surrounds me. Last night I had one of my not-so-good nights while being on duty as a RA. It was one in the morning and I was just furious that this kid has put me through the ringer. But as I was walking back to my dorm, I stopped. I just stood in the crisp air and looked up to the moon. I was so overwhelmed with how wonderful my surroundings were. For just those few minutes, every insignificant thing was gone, and I was just there. And I can't help but wonder why I can't take more moments like that in the day where I just stand still and breathe. One of my closest friends has one of the most beautiful souls you could ever imagine. Now, this can be said of all four of my closest friends, but the way Emily looks at things is incredible. She can see the beauty in things that I would have never had a second thought about. Just the way a flower has bloomed can make her entire day. I often find myself envying her that I can't notice beauty like that. I can watch her just looking into the sky, or humming a song and see how elated she is. And then I feel grateful to have her as a puzzle piece to my life. So here's to being a little more like Emily. Here's to standing in the sun and breathing with my lungs. I love you Emily : )