Life I Love You. All Is Groovy.

I find that I have been complaining a lot lately. It's not on purpose, but it always seems to be the easiest thing to do. I want to be upset with how things happened, and how they happened to me, but that never does me any good. I get so caught up in it that I forget about how I am blessed now. I recovered from something this year that many people don't get to recover from. I finished my freshman year of college when many people told me to take time off. I am surrounded by some of the most amazing people that I take for granted everyday. Have you ever listened to that Simon & Garfunkel song "The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy)"? I'm sure you have, but have you ever really listened to it? I usually listen to it first thing in the morning. Actually, there was a time that I listened to it every single morning as I would get ready for my day. Sometimes I am convinced that if I could listen to that song every morning while walking down the street (the weather would always be perfect, of course), and if I could talk to the lamp-posts and get fresh sunflowers, that every single day could be a good one. Isn't it funny how music can do that to you? Do you think Simon & Garfunkel knew what feelings they were creating when writing this music? I would like to think that they did. I want to say that they started a revolution, but that is probably inaccurate. Maybe I could say that they started a revolution in me. At least the beginnings of one, anyway. I think my goal for this school year (well one goal on the list of many) will be find something in my life every morning that can make me say "life I love you, all is groovy."

"I Want to Leave Room in My Life to be Inspired"

This summer I have had the privilege of meeting one of the most inspiring people. She isn't someone you read about in the New York Times, or a critically acclaimed author (watch out, she might be someday). Technically, she's just my boss. But I feel that each day I come into the office I leave just a little bit wiser. She could talk to wall if she had to, and I wouldn't be surprised if the wall eventually talked back just because she is just that captivating. About a month ago she and I had a conversation about where we're going in life. I, of course, talk about my plans of law school and how I'll never deviate from my plan. She, however, says that she would be content to start something new. And there I sat confused. This woman is so successful in her career, but yet she would be happy to just start all over. I asked about this, and told me a story of a boy who was inspired by a professor and led a very successful life, but much different from the one he had planned before he met this professor. She then says to me, "I want to be like that. I want to leave room in my life to be inspired." And I kind of felt like I had been hit over the head. These are the words that I search for through countless songs and literature, and here I was sitting across a desk from a person who just inspired me more than any song or book. And I've been holding on to what she said that day. Does my plan leave room for that inspiration? I feel that there are times that I feel I receive inspiration, but then don't know what to do with it. I want to do something bigger than me, but what? I seem to always play on the safe side. I hope my semester abroad will allow me act on my inspiration. I want to do things that I never thought I'd do; push myself to new extremes. Most of all, I want to find me. I want to live and love. I want to be inspired.

"You realize that the sun don't go down, it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round"

Listening to:

Do You Realize? - The Flaming Lips

So the past few days have been the best days of summer, by far. Three of my best friends in the world came to visit me in Memphis. It's funny that it took people from home to show me how much I really do enjoy this city. They found beauty in things that I take for granted. I absolutely loved getting to take them around and show them, what is now, "my town". Last night we went to a hookah bar and had a great conversation that varied from things like our future careers, relationships, to even our childhood. I talked about how my childhood has caused me to go for a career that will guarantee me stability rather than doing a job that I want more than anything to do. It brings up the question of when do we take risks to feel fulfilled, and when does it cross the line of practicality? Like if I strove to achieve my dream job, I think I absolutely could one day do it. But because of my childhood, I don't think that I can make the sacrifices it would take to actually reach that ultimate goal. But when I'm 40 will I be bitter that I never took the risk? I have so many things I want to do with my life ; I want to travel, own vineyards, learn an instrument, maybe fall in love. But to do these things it all seems to lead to the point that I need to have financial stability, even if that means doing something that I don't absolutely love. So does that mean that the ends satisfy the means? I feel like I'm going to get so caught up in achieving "the means" that I am going to forget to live. I want to be this carefree person who throws caution to the wind, but at the end of the day it comes down to me being afraid to not do life by the book. I just want to be happy, and I feel like I'm coming up to that checkpoint in life that at whichever road I take is going to determine my happiness and it'll be awhile before I get to the next checkpoint to do something different. And in the end, I know I am over thinking things; I should just be worrying about "the now", but it's in my nature to worry about "the then". Just something to think about...

I hope this what I am doing when I'm 80:

I Can't Think You're Mean Because I Volunteered to be Misled

"This bitter earth,

Well, what fruit it bears.

What good is love that no one shares?

And if my life is like the dust

that hides the glow of a rose,

What good am I?

Heaven

Only knows.

Lord, this bitter earth

Yes can be so cold.

Today you're young,

Too soon, you're old.

But a voice within me cries,

I'm sure someone may answer my call.

And this bitter earth may not be so bitter after all."

I really have a lot going on emotionally right now in my life. I am dealing with things that I thought I had buried for good. And newly, someone I consider to be a big part of my life is about to leave to start a new beginning. Honestly, I feel ecstatic for him. He is going to do such great things, and he really needs this. But on the other hand, there goes one of the first consistent things in my life in a long time. I have already played this game before, and last time I lost. I can only describe what I am going through as if I am standing underneath a gate. Before the gate drops I can either go out into the world, or I can close myself off. Obviously, the latter isn't the one I want, but I am scared it is the one I am going to do. I feel like I am down on the ground, and every time I am almost able to get back up again I am pushed back down. I am in a town where I feel like I know everybody and nobody at the same time. There is just nothing that I connect to here. The obvious solution would be to go somewhere else. But where is that? Am I able to pick up and start all over? Again? I just feel lost. But this time I don't know who is going to find me.

Up In the Woods

I feel like a lot and nothing has happened since I last wrote. I've worked quite a bit, and I'm really enjoying it. I went home for a few days to see friends and family. That was so fantastic. Most notably would be my trip to Heifer Ranch. This was no voluntary trip -- it was required by the scholarship program I'm a part of at my college. The concept of Heifer International is spectacular. They promote development rather than relief for third world countries. The way they actually promote this idea, though, is not so spectacular-- or at least it wasn't with a group of college kids who just finished finals the day before and just want to start summer and sleep. The programming was meant for high-schoolers, which I only think added to our dislike of the program. Basically we were separated into 4 groups: lower class Mississippi Delta (ok, not exactly third world, but...), Upper Class Tibet (it was worse than lower class MD), lower class Tibet (just imagine), and Mozambique (might as well prepare yourself to starve for a few days). I was in lower class Tibet and slept in a tent made of yak hair...yum. We basically did chores (milk the goats, clean the coops, pasteurize milk, etc.) and cooked over open fire. All of this in 100 degree heat and while the programming staff is giving us a hard time over every little thing. Oh, did I mention I'm allergic to grass and hay? Guess what we were completely surrounded by...There were positive parts, though. I bonded with my bonner class (the scholarship program), felt like a badass by sneaking off the ranch to go to sonic (twice!), and saw a million fireflies. And I will give Heifer credit for what they are doing. It's a beautiful concept that I completely support; I just didn't have the best experience at their Ranch. But there was a good moment of clarity for myself. The second night we were there I lied awake in my tent looking at the beautiful light-show the fireflies were putting on while listening to my ipod on shuffle (which I had to sneak in). The most perfect song for the moment came on shuffle: "Woods" by Bon Iver. The song only has four lines of lyrics, but they were so effervescently perfect:

"I'm up in the woods,

I'm down on my mind.

I'm building a still

to slow down the time."

For the first time I felt like I was breathing again (metaphorically. Literally my allergies were killing me). I felt like it was time to breathe. Time come to peace with things I can't control. Know that I am loved and be thankful. I immediately went home for a few days after the Heifer experience. My moment with Bon Iver and fireflies prompted me to finally get the tattoo I've been wanting for two years: a small outline of a bird on the inside of my left wrist. It is my constant reminder to let go, breathe, and be free. Peace and Love.

Well. Here I Am.

I never thought I would see the day that I would start a blog. I use to journal. A lot. But now that I am here at college, it's rare that I'm ever away from my computer. So this is my newest option. I am actually pretty excited about it. I have just finished my freshman year of college. It feels crazy. I feel like it was yesterday that my parents were helping me unpack, and today my parents are helping unpack again -- except this time it's groceries in my dorm room that I will be living in this summer. I kind of feel like a Debbie Downer. Summer is used to be a time when I would come up with all of these crazy expectations, and say things to my friends like, "This will be the best summer ever!" But here I am. I'm done with classes and finals; I've come to the shore of summer. And I have absolutely no expectations. This devastates me. I only have a few more years that I have a real "summer" before I really embark in the "real world". I should be embracing this. Living life to its fullest. So I will. This summer will be the summer that I work on myself. This whole year I've questioned who I really am. Is this the summer that I figure it all out? Ha, no. I think we have a while until that happens. But I am going to focus on me. What I need and what I want -- not what others think I need and want. So friends, here's to new beginnings and to the 'best summer ever'!