Well...It could be worse...

I seriously cannot stop laughing...

Because You Just Have to Ask

I know you're good
I know you're right
I know you mean the best
everytime you stop by
don't know what to say
or know how to act
cause I'm still moved by you
cause you just have to ask

No it doesn't hurt
unless I walk.
I don't feel pain
unless I try to talk.
I don't even cry
unless I open my eyes.
I don't need to kick or scream or curse
No, it doesn't hurt.

You don't have to call
to make sure I'm up
cause I'm still wide awake
cause I'm still lost in shock
I know you're concerned
I know you're just sick
and I know you'd feel better
if I were over it.

No it doesn't hurt
unless I walk.
I don't feel pain
unless I try to talk.
I don't even cry
unless I open my eyes.
I don't need to kick or scream or curse
No, it doesn't hurt.

I am wind.
I am the sand.
I am scared.
I am a woman.
And I'm fine
cause I deserve
the time to feel hurt.

I know you're good.
I know you're afraid.
and I know its futile
would you just let me me.
So what will you say
what you've haven't said?
The question you asked me just
makes me feel better you left.

No, it doesn't hurt
unless I move.
I don't feel anything
unless I think of you.
I don't even cry
unless I open my eyes.
I don't need to kick, or scream

No it doesn't hurt
unless I walk.
I don't feel anything
unless i try to talk.
I don't even cry
unless I open my eyes .
I don't need kick or scream or curse.
No.

It doesn't hurt.

Third Wheel.

When looking at the group dynamic of my friends, I'm constantly what some people would call "the third wheel." That is not necessarily a bad thing. I've always been the girl who doesn't do the whole committed relationship thing, even though a majority of my friends do. And you can constantly find me hanging out with my friend and their significant other. That's just the way it has always kind of worked. Occasionally I will find that it can bother me, but for the most part I'm fine with it. That is until this last weekend. I went home to visit with friends over the weekend, which was extremely nice. But on Saturday I found myself in our favorite local coffee shop sitting with four of my friends. But these four friends were couples, so I was playing fifth wheel rather than third wheel. As they were talking, I had one of those "this is my life" moments. I became extremely disturbed that this was the role I was always playing. Whether I am in the coffee shop, or sitting in my room with my roommate and her boyfriend, my role is always lonely girl. Now, this is not some desperate plea for me to have a significant other anytime soon; it's more of me wonder why I cast myself in the role that always is alone. Because of my "love" to push people away, I know I do this intentionally (even if it is through my subconscious). That's kind of sad, isn't it? As I sat down to write this, I was hoping that I would come to some revelation about how I should fix it, but the truth is, I have no clue. I know I'll continue to be the third wheel as I always am. I am a huge proponent of making the change you want, but I have no idea how to make this change. There is not a way to change my DNA to make me a second wheel, or even a first or fourth. Just my thoughts for the night...

Listening to:

Tighten Up - The Black Keys

Ali Woke Up, 8 am, Graduation Day.

It is currently past 2 in the morning, and I am dancing around (nothing too strenuous, doctors. The knee is holding up just fine) and cleaning my dorm room. Everyone is gone for fall break, so it is like I have the entire building to myself. It might be insane, but late at night is when I am most productive. I'm almost certain I was meant to be an owl (Perhaps further explanation of my obsession with birds? Maybe?). On my pandora station, "A Lifetime" by Better Than Ezra came on. I can't help but giggle when I hear it. My best friend's name is Ali. In my eyes, it is possible that she hung the moon and stars. I can remember when we were sophomores in high school, Ali was riding in the car with her brother, Jefferson. "A Lifetime" came on, and I think Ali freaked out. The very first lines of the song are: "Ali woke up, 8 am, graduation day. Got into her car, crashed along the way." Sounds so pleasant, right? I wasn't actually in the car when Ali heard this, but when I saw her a few hours later, she played me the song and I could see the worry written all over her face. Although I don't know if she'll ever admit it, I think she was scared that Better Than Ezra just immortalized her fate in their song. I'm sitting here laughing just thinking about it. I even poked fun at her for it many times. Next time I see her, I'll probably do the same thing. But I am not going to lie, I was worried on Ali's graduation day. I kept thinking: "Ashlee, here comes karma. She is going to get in a car wreck all because you made fun of her for that song." I was so worried that I even texted her on my way to her graduation, but of course she was too busy to answer which worried me even more. But to much of my relief, I saw Ali's family and was able to breathe easier. Ali had the honor of saying the pledge at the graduation since she was Student Council President. Everyone around could tell that Ali was nervous as she said the pledge to hundreds of people. Her boyfriend and I started to laugh, and Ali's mom (who was laughing too, although she'll never admit it) kicked us and told us to stop. But I think Anderson and I were laughing for different reasons. I think Anderson was laughing for the sake of Ali's nerves, but I was laughing because I was so happy that Ali was here to get nervous. All day I had been imagining what life would be like without Ali in it, and it was frightening. Being at different colleges now has given a more realistic view of that, and it is miserable. I am so lucky to have her in life, even if we may be 6 hours apart now. I think I might have even brought up "A Lifetime" to Ali on graduation night, but I can't be sure. I am glad it is something we can laugh about now. I only wish that she were here to dance around my room with me : )

So I stand in the sun, and I breathe with my lungs

I cannot describe how beautiful Memphis is right now. It is no secret that I am not Memphis' biggest fan, but Memphis in the fall is nothing but beautiful. It fills my heart with so much joy when I drive by the pumpkin patches; the Starbucks signs advertising their seasonal treats; the leaves fluttering down on me with their new colors. Just breathing in the air is beautiful. And when I get upset or mad, I feel so guilty because I should be grateful; grateful to be able to see the beauty that surrounds me. Last night I had one of my not-so-good nights while being on duty as a RA. It was one in the morning and I was just furious that this kid has put me through the ringer. But as I was walking back to my dorm, I stopped. I just stood in the crisp air and looked up to the moon. I was so overwhelmed with how wonderful my surroundings were. For just those few minutes, every insignificant thing was gone, and I was just there. And I can't help but wonder why I can't take more moments like that in the day where I just stand still and breathe. One of my closest friends has one of the most beautiful souls you could ever imagine. Now, this can be said of all four of my closest friends, but the way Emily looks at things is incredible. She can see the beauty in things that I would have never had a second thought about. Just the way a flower has bloomed can make her entire day. I often find myself envying her that I can't notice beauty like that. I can watch her just looking into the sky, or humming a song and see how elated she is. And then I feel grateful to have her as a puzzle piece to my life. So here's to being a little more like Emily. Here's to standing in the sun and breathing with my lungs. I love you Emily : )

But I am older now...

Lately I have been obsessed with the concept of "growing up" and a "loss of innocence". I don't know why I have been constantly thinking about it. I have been doing a lot of reflection and I am always wondering what it means to grow up. I know plenty of "adults" who I think are still growing up. Do we ever stop growing up? The phrase "I was young and naive" always seems applicable. I can say it now referring to high school. When I am thirty I can say it in reference to my twenties. When I am forty I can say it in reference to my thirties, and so forth. Sometimes I think I am scared that I will always be running and will never be settling down. And that is not completely a bad thing. But I think I want that point where I take a deep breath and say, "I did that when I was young and I did it because I was young." And then there is a loss of innocence. As a lover of literature, my favorite works are those that are "coming of age stories" where there is a loss of innocence. There is something so beautiful about that to me, even if that loss is sometimes tragic. It's beautifully tragic. But then I come back to real life. Our innocence is often lost when we crash into life. And it is very rare that crash is anything but a mess. Do I love the concept so much now? I don't know if I have an answer to that question. Maybe reflection on it is poetic, but when it happens it hurts like hell. So is that beautiful tragedy worth it? Would we still choose to have that loss for the sake of its symbolism and the growing we do?

Life I Love You. All Is Groovy.

I find that I have been complaining a lot lately. It's not on purpose, but it always seems to be the easiest thing to do. I want to be upset with how things happened, and how they happened to me, but that never does me any good. I get so caught up in it that I forget about how I am blessed now. I recovered from something this year that many people don't get to recover from. I finished my freshman year of college when many people told me to take time off. I am surrounded by some of the most amazing people that I take for granted everyday. Have you ever listened to that Simon & Garfunkel song "The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy)"? I'm sure you have, but have you ever really listened to it? I usually listen to it first thing in the morning. Actually, there was a time that I listened to it every single morning as I would get ready for my day. Sometimes I am convinced that if I could listen to that song every morning while walking down the street (the weather would always be perfect, of course), and if I could talk to the lamp-posts and get fresh sunflowers, that every single day could be a good one. Isn't it funny how music can do that to you? Do you think Simon & Garfunkel knew what feelings they were creating when writing this music? I would like to think that they did. I want to say that they started a revolution, but that is probably inaccurate. Maybe I could say that they started a revolution in me. At least the beginnings of one, anyway. I think my goal for this school year (well one goal on the list of many) will be find something in my life every morning that can make me say "life I love you, all is groovy."