Music. My Heart.

Anybody who likes music will say that they have the best taste in music, and rarely will they ever concede to this point of view. At least, this is the way I see music.

I've been questioning what I'm doing with my life a lot lately. Which I think is good. This is the time that I am supposed to be questioning. I get scared sometimes that I am going into my profession because I want financial stability, not because I actually will love what I am doing. When I think of something I love, it's music. No, I do not play an instrument, nor do I sing, but I have a relationship with music.

It's more than tunes and words to me. It's a feeling. It's a feeling that will grab me and sometimes swallow me whole. It will embrace me and cradle me, and sometimes it will throw me to the wolves. Do I have the best taste in the world? Probably not. I definitely love my Britney Spears and Taylor Swift (Oh hush, you know you have some guilty pleasures, too). But it's so subjective, and that's what I love about it. I grew up reading Rolling Stone and fantasizing about one day writing for them; or being a music critic in general. It's so Almost Famous, right?

But in reality, it's the truth. If I could do absolutely anything in my life, I would be a music critic. I want to contribute to someone else's life with music like it was for me. I want to place, what I consider to be, the most powerful thing in the world in someone's life who needs it. Who is in a hard place and needs something to ground them. Bring music to someone who is so elated, they can only find their own words in someone else's. Music is a spirit, and I want to be responsible for putting spirit into someone else's life.

But will I ever really do it? To my dismay, probably not. I love music, but like most of my relationships, I am scared to commit to it. Growing up financially unstable, I am scared to go into a profession where so few make it. But I am thinking of starting a music blog. I will let you know how that goes. But for now, family law here I come.

Listening to:

Big Jet Plane - Angus and Julia Stone

One doesn't have to be the loneliest number

Relationships aren't me. There is really no getting by that. It's just not really what I'm into. Maybe one day when the time is right it'll be for me, but not any time soon. Besides, I don't feel it is something you plan. It isn't like the world is a marketplace where you go find "the right one" or even "the one to just pass the time." When it is right, it'll happen. I think when people try to force themselves out of their loneliness is where everything goes wrong. When you try to feel something with someone else just because you want to feel something, anything, that is when there is trouble. You cannot find yourself through someone else, no matter how hard you try. What is going to happen down the line is you realizing you are only a shell of someone, and what you are projecting to the world is someone else. You are someone else's image because you tried to find yourself through another person. How can you ever be truly you that way? This is when we see the bitter breakups and the ugly divorces.

Obviously I haven't found myself. And it'll probably take a while for me to do so. If someone comes along for the ride, then let them. But being single doesn't define me. And I'm doing just fine.

Listening to:

Pyro - Kings of Leon

Everlasting Light - The Black Keys

It starts with a flood and ends with a tr-tr-trickle

What can I do to help?

As long as you ask at a convenient time.

I'm here to talk if you need it!

But as long as we can only talk about you for a few minutes. Oh, and please do not talk about anything real. That makes me uncomfortable.

Tell me about you! What's going on?

But please keep it limited to good gossip. If there is nothing to gossip about, I'm not interested.

Why do you feel like that?

Can't you just, like, get over it already?

I know what you mean!

Because I want to minimize what you're feeling so we can somehow make this about me...duh.

I'm always here!

Especially if you want me to look at you like you're pathetic. Oh! And I can remind you why my life is worse!

Are you sure you're ok?

Oh, did I mention that there is really only one answer to this? Otherwise I can't deal with you.

Why can't you be a good friend?

It's not like there is something actually wrong with you. You're just being dramatic.

When the gust came around to blow me down, I held on as tightly as you held on to me

co·de·pend·ent - adj.

of or pertaining to a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted, as to alcohol or gambling, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way.

Dictionary.com is pretty good at giving the definitions to words that I think are most fitting. It was not until today I learned a completely new concept of the word codependent, and realized that I am an extremely codependent person.

But how can that be? I'm not addicted to anyone. I don't have a problem with alcohol or gambling. So how on earth could I possibly be codependent?

As I sat down to write, I thought I would write out my entire thought process and the lesson that I learned today that led me to my conclusion, but I am not. Part of my codependency is the need for others to understand me, and that would be all I am doing in writing it out. Normally I write on here to have a moment of self realization, but I've already had that today.

So my real thought today is that I want you to question what is around you. Just because it is the "norm" doesn't mean that is supposed to be. You don't always have to be something for someone. Be something for you.

Listening to:

Down by the Water - The Drums

Well...It could be worse...

I seriously cannot stop laughing...

Because You Just Have to Ask

I know you're good
I know you're right
I know you mean the best
everytime you stop by
don't know what to say
or know how to act
cause I'm still moved by you
cause you just have to ask

No it doesn't hurt
unless I walk.
I don't feel pain
unless I try to talk.
I don't even cry
unless I open my eyes.
I don't need to kick or scream or curse
No, it doesn't hurt.

You don't have to call
to make sure I'm up
cause I'm still wide awake
cause I'm still lost in shock
I know you're concerned
I know you're just sick
and I know you'd feel better
if I were over it.

No it doesn't hurt
unless I walk.
I don't feel pain
unless I try to talk.
I don't even cry
unless I open my eyes.
I don't need to kick or scream or curse
No, it doesn't hurt.

I am wind.
I am the sand.
I am scared.
I am a woman.
And I'm fine
cause I deserve
the time to feel hurt.

I know you're good.
I know you're afraid.
and I know its futile
would you just let me me.
So what will you say
what you've haven't said?
The question you asked me just
makes me feel better you left.

No, it doesn't hurt
unless I move.
I don't feel anything
unless I think of you.
I don't even cry
unless I open my eyes.
I don't need to kick, or scream

No it doesn't hurt
unless I walk.
I don't feel anything
unless i try to talk.
I don't even cry
unless I open my eyes .
I don't need kick or scream or curse.
No.

It doesn't hurt.

Third Wheel.

When looking at the group dynamic of my friends, I'm constantly what some people would call "the third wheel." That is not necessarily a bad thing. I've always been the girl who doesn't do the whole committed relationship thing, even though a majority of my friends do. And you can constantly find me hanging out with my friend and their significant other. That's just the way it has always kind of worked. Occasionally I will find that it can bother me, but for the most part I'm fine with it. That is until this last weekend. I went home to visit with friends over the weekend, which was extremely nice. But on Saturday I found myself in our favorite local coffee shop sitting with four of my friends. But these four friends were couples, so I was playing fifth wheel rather than third wheel. As they were talking, I had one of those "this is my life" moments. I became extremely disturbed that this was the role I was always playing. Whether I am in the coffee shop, or sitting in my room with my roommate and her boyfriend, my role is always lonely girl. Now, this is not some desperate plea for me to have a significant other anytime soon; it's more of me wonder why I cast myself in the role that always is alone. Because of my "love" to push people away, I know I do this intentionally (even if it is through my subconscious). That's kind of sad, isn't it? As I sat down to write this, I was hoping that I would come to some revelation about how I should fix it, but the truth is, I have no clue. I know I'll continue to be the third wheel as I always am. I am a huge proponent of making the change you want, but I have no idea how to make this change. There is not a way to change my DNA to make me a second wheel, or even a first or fourth. Just my thoughts for the night...

Listening to:

Tighten Up - The Black Keys