Red velvet cookies were my venture today...

"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."

-Charlie, The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

That is the quote that pretty much sums up my life right now. I have so many amazing things going for me right now. Actually, everything is the most perfect that it's been in such a long time.

But for some reason, I have cried every single night for the past week. And it's hard because the question of the week is, "Aren't you so excited?!"

And the answer is, "Yes, of course." But at the same time, I am more nervous than I am excited. The worst part is that I cannot really explain why I'm nervous. Logic says that I am nervous about getting back into the swing of things, but I really do not think that's it.

I'm nervous about getting into my own head again. I'm nervous about feeling a certain way, but not being able communicate it to other people like before. It is not anybody's job to be on top of me 24/7 to see how I'm doing, but at the same time, I am terrified of not having that. Being home has given me a security blanket that I've have taken way too much advantage of (is that even a sentence?).

I am scared of the things I am leaving behind. Things that have the possibility of no longer being here once I'm gone. I know moving forward and being back at school is the right thing to do. I know I am making the right choice. It just sometimes gets exhausting trying to convince everyone else.

The good news is that I've grown as a person. I have become a more rational being, and I know a rational thought versus an irrational one. And I know it is going to take tremendous effort on my part to be accountable for myself. And it's going to take even more effort to ask close friends to check in with me, even though my feeling are not something they are responsible for.

This is all over the place, but my point that I wanted everyone to know is:

I'm happy, but I'm sad. But I'm okay.

Peace and Love.

There is nothing for me but to love you...

What a wonderful weekend!

First off, two of my best friends, Anna and Jenny, came to visit me here in Birmingham. I had a wonderful time with them both, and I was so sad to see them go. It is rare that you can spend time with people just watching old school Sex and the City and really enjoy it.

After they left Sunday morning, Boy and I had the day to ourselves. The weather was gorgeous and we knew we must spend the day outside. We started out by the pool -- well Boy was in the pool, I was reading by the pool. Then Boy had the idea that we go to the Oak Mountain State Park and rent a paddle boat. The drive through the park was gorgeous. Being out on the water was gorgeous, as well. We then decided that instead of going out to dinner like we normally do, we should cook out at the house.

We went to the store with a budget of twenty dollars. We already had chicken breasts at the house to grill, so we needed side dishes. We settled on fresh green beans, sliced mushrooms, and corn on the cob. Tragedy struck when we arrived home --we realized that neither of us had a clue about working a gas grill. So we had to readjust our plans, and the chicken would now be broiled in the oven. So with Frank Sinatra radio on in the background, we got to work. Boy was in charge of the corn, and I took over the other dishes. I marinated the chicken and put it in the oven, and then I sauteed the green beans and mushrooms with marinades and seasonings. About 45 minutes later, we had a great meal put together. We had our dinner candle lit and with a glass of wine (or at least I did).

As we were eating, my absolute favorite (and generic) Frank Sinatra song started to play -- "The Way You Look Tonight." Much to my surprise, Boy asked me to dance in the kitchen with him. We looked ridiculous, and we laughed our way through it, but it was absolutely wonderful.

We cleaned the kitchen after dinner, and then had a quiet night in. And after our day in the sun, that is exactly what the doctor ordered.

I hope this post finds everyone having a wonderful fourth weekend! God Bless America!

I'd Rather Be a Comma Than a Full Stop.

First off, I'm watching Sex and the City right now, and I love that a scene I just watched is verbatim a scene out of my life last night (in the best possible way).

I've neglected this blog so much, and I seem to only come to it when I'm pissed off. I will resolve to come more often and in much better moods.

Re-cap on the past month:

I had my heart crushed (although I do not think he did it intentionally). I have cried a lot. A lot more than I have in awhile. And a window has been opened.

I have met someone who is truly wonderful. I'm not putting any hopes or expectations into him, but I truly enjoy the time I spend with him. I have laughed so much, and I have felt giddy enough to dance around my house when nobody is home (I haven't been in that mood in nearly a year).

For two weeks I have been pondering Justin Vernon's lyrics, "...and at once I knew I was not magnificent." I haven't kept it a secret that I've been thinking about these lyrics that I adore. But last night as I was falling asleep, whispered into my ear were the words: "I think you are magnificent."

I've never been made to feel beautiful before, or that I was worth something. And then in a whirlwind, a person has come into my life that has led me to believe that I am something special. Here is the part where I say that you should never rely on someone else to give you self-worth, but it does not hurt to be reminded every now and then.

So I'll end this post on my most favorite note:

Listen to:

Moth's Wings - Passion Pit

Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall - Coldplay.

(P.S. If you haven't already, check out my music blog: ashleebre.tumblr.com. I'm much more active on there)

Hooray, Hooray. I'm Your Silver Lining.

You're not cute. It's not cute when you call me to redeem yourself. It's not cute when you further prove the point that I'm just a toy to you. Pretend to be oblivious, but you know what you're doing. You're smarter than that. I let you use me because it's what I've needed to survive, and you use me so that you feel alive. But guess who is standing on her own two feet.

And you. You look so small. It makes me wonder what I saw in you. Did I ever see anything? All I know is that I see through you.

So okay, I was your silver lining. Well, now I'm gone.

My Sister. My Friend.

"She's the 'Martha Stewart' type...you know, perfect and all."

That's how I normally refer to my sister when someone asks me about her. That is how I've forever viewed; the pure essence of perfection.

I should probably back up. My "sister" is actually my step-sister, and her name is Allison. Because of this, our relationship is not like most sister relationships. For most of our lives, we have been known, for the most part, as "acquaintances." We would see each other at most major holidays, and maybe a few more times a year. But for the most part, that was it. We would catch up, as much as we could, at least. When I would see her, I would do my best to impress her. I would want her to see me as the cool, smart, and popular girl (much as I viewed her). Whether or not she actually viewed me as this will always be a complete mystery to me, but I sure would spend the family holidays to convince her as such.

This past November, she saw me going through a hard time, and without questions, offered for me to live with her. May I remind you my sister is now a full grown woman with a full grown family. She is a working mother and a full time wife. Yet, she saw that she still had room for one more in her house. Can I tell you, the reception has been wonderful. I have developed a relationship with my sister that is more than most people will ever get to experience. Not only have we developed as sisters, we have become friends.

Tonight, I watched her as she talked on the phone, made dinner, and balanced her two rambunctious (but precious) boys. And I sat in awe. She was still the essence of perfection I always admired, but she was also human. In the privilege of getting to live with her, I have gotten to see just how human she is. And it, once again, is perfection.

We have had some amazing conversations. Ranging from anywhere to religion, to politics, to family dynamics. We have discussed why weren't as close as some sisters, and why our relationship is where it is now. She has inspired me to be all that I can be (yes, I am aware at how cliche' that sounds).

The bottom line is that she is my inspiration. Do I want to lead her exact life? I do not know. But I do know I want to have the same vigor in life as she does. She has her downfalls, but she falls ever so gracefully. If I could amount to just a little of her, I would be proud.

I love her like no other, and I wish she knew how special she was.

I love you, Allison.

Love,

Ash

Pain Comes in Stages. If we don't make it, nothing changes

"I'll find strength in pain, and I will change my ways."

For those who do not know me, you might not know that the past year has been extremely hard on me. And for many who do know me, you might not know either. If you had asked me about my mental state two months ago, I would have told you I've surrendered. The pain was too much to bear. It wasn't until a friend reminded me of one of my favorite songs the other day (Paint the Silence - South) that I realized how my mental state has changed. The lyrics are:

How can you say your life is empty
So late in the day
Why would you stay another second
Now your sights got in the way
A combination of love and aggression
Another second lived

Don't paint the silence black now save me
Don't leave it a day
You got a right to stand or die so maybe
You take chances all the same
Pain comes in stages if we don't make it
Nothing changes

Now the violence sleeps inside
Abandoned feeling for just a piece of mind
It's the reason why your teething side frustrates me (irates me)

Don't leave me to pick up on your questions
Not even a day
It's alright to finish up your sentence
You talk all the same
Pain comes in stages if we don't make it
Nothing changes

I have a new feeling of not wanting to succumb. I do not want this thing inside of me to win. Does that make it less painful? No. But if I cannot make it through this, then what have I accomplished? I am a goal setter. Surrendering is not a goal. So I have finally come up with my New Years resolution:

I am going to fight. And I am fighting for me, not because others tell me to.

So here is to keeping our resolutions.

Listening to:

Paint the Silence - South