Red velvet cookies were my venture today...

"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."

-Charlie, The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

That is the quote that pretty much sums up my life right now. I have so many amazing things going for me right now. Actually, everything is the most perfect that it's been in such a long time.

But for some reason, I have cried every single night for the past week. And it's hard because the question of the week is, "Aren't you so excited?!"

And the answer is, "Yes, of course." But at the same time, I am more nervous than I am excited. The worst part is that I cannot really explain why I'm nervous. Logic says that I am nervous about getting back into the swing of things, but I really do not think that's it.

I'm nervous about getting into my own head again. I'm nervous about feeling a certain way, but not being able communicate it to other people like before. It is not anybody's job to be on top of me 24/7 to see how I'm doing, but at the same time, I am terrified of not having that. Being home has given me a security blanket that I've have taken way too much advantage of (is that even a sentence?).

I am scared of the things I am leaving behind. Things that have the possibility of no longer being here once I'm gone. I know moving forward and being back at school is the right thing to do. I know I am making the right choice. It just sometimes gets exhausting trying to convince everyone else.

The good news is that I've grown as a person. I have become a more rational being, and I know a rational thought versus an irrational one. And I know it is going to take tremendous effort on my part to be accountable for myself. And it's going to take even more effort to ask close friends to check in with me, even though my feeling are not something they are responsible for.

This is all over the place, but my point that I wanted everyone to know is:

I'm happy, but I'm sad. But I'm okay.

Peace and Love.

There is nothing for me but to love you...

What a wonderful weekend!

First off, two of my best friends, Anna and Jenny, came to visit me here in Birmingham. I had a wonderful time with them both, and I was so sad to see them go. It is rare that you can spend time with people just watching old school Sex and the City and really enjoy it.

After they left Sunday morning, Boy and I had the day to ourselves. The weather was gorgeous and we knew we must spend the day outside. We started out by the pool -- well Boy was in the pool, I was reading by the pool. Then Boy had the idea that we go to the Oak Mountain State Park and rent a paddle boat. The drive through the park was gorgeous. Being out on the water was gorgeous, as well. We then decided that instead of going out to dinner like we normally do, we should cook out at the house.

We went to the store with a budget of twenty dollars. We already had chicken breasts at the house to grill, so we needed side dishes. We settled on fresh green beans, sliced mushrooms, and corn on the cob. Tragedy struck when we arrived home --we realized that neither of us had a clue about working a gas grill. So we had to readjust our plans, and the chicken would now be broiled in the oven. So with Frank Sinatra radio on in the background, we got to work. Boy was in charge of the corn, and I took over the other dishes. I marinated the chicken and put it in the oven, and then I sauteed the green beans and mushrooms with marinades and seasonings. About 45 minutes later, we had a great meal put together. We had our dinner candle lit and with a glass of wine (or at least I did).

As we were eating, my absolute favorite (and generic) Frank Sinatra song started to play -- "The Way You Look Tonight." Much to my surprise, Boy asked me to dance in the kitchen with him. We looked ridiculous, and we laughed our way through it, but it was absolutely wonderful.

We cleaned the kitchen after dinner, and then had a quiet night in. And after our day in the sun, that is exactly what the doctor ordered.

I hope this post finds everyone having a wonderful fourth weekend! God Bless America!

I'd Rather Be a Comma Than a Full Stop.

First off, I'm watching Sex and the City right now, and I love that a scene I just watched is verbatim a scene out of my life last night (in the best possible way).

I've neglected this blog so much, and I seem to only come to it when I'm pissed off. I will resolve to come more often and in much better moods.

Re-cap on the past month:

I had my heart crushed (although I do not think he did it intentionally). I have cried a lot. A lot more than I have in awhile. And a window has been opened.

I have met someone who is truly wonderful. I'm not putting any hopes or expectations into him, but I truly enjoy the time I spend with him. I have laughed so much, and I have felt giddy enough to dance around my house when nobody is home (I haven't been in that mood in nearly a year).

For two weeks I have been pondering Justin Vernon's lyrics, "...and at once I knew I was not magnificent." I haven't kept it a secret that I've been thinking about these lyrics that I adore. But last night as I was falling asleep, whispered into my ear were the words: "I think you are magnificent."

I've never been made to feel beautiful before, or that I was worth something. And then in a whirlwind, a person has come into my life that has led me to believe that I am something special. Here is the part where I say that you should never rely on someone else to give you self-worth, but it does not hurt to be reminded every now and then.

So I'll end this post on my most favorite note:

Listen to:

Moth's Wings - Passion Pit

Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall - Coldplay.

(P.S. If you haven't already, check out my music blog: ashleebre.tumblr.com. I'm much more active on there)

Hooray, Hooray. I'm Your Silver Lining.

You're not cute. It's not cute when you call me to redeem yourself. It's not cute when you further prove the point that I'm just a toy to you. Pretend to be oblivious, but you know what you're doing. You're smarter than that. I let you use me because it's what I've needed to survive, and you use me so that you feel alive. But guess who is standing on her own two feet.

And you. You look so small. It makes me wonder what I saw in you. Did I ever see anything? All I know is that I see through you.

So okay, I was your silver lining. Well, now I'm gone.

My Sister. My Friend.

"She's the 'Martha Stewart' type...you know, perfect and all."

That's how I normally refer to my sister when someone asks me about her. That is how I've forever viewed; the pure essence of perfection.

I should probably back up. My "sister" is actually my step-sister, and her name is Allison. Because of this, our relationship is not like most sister relationships. For most of our lives, we have been known, for the most part, as "acquaintances." We would see each other at most major holidays, and maybe a few more times a year. But for the most part, that was it. We would catch up, as much as we could, at least. When I would see her, I would do my best to impress her. I would want her to see me as the cool, smart, and popular girl (much as I viewed her). Whether or not she actually viewed me as this will always be a complete mystery to me, but I sure would spend the family holidays to convince her as such.

This past November, she saw me going through a hard time, and without questions, offered for me to live with her. May I remind you my sister is now a full grown woman with a full grown family. She is a working mother and a full time wife. Yet, she saw that she still had room for one more in her house. Can I tell you, the reception has been wonderful. I have developed a relationship with my sister that is more than most people will ever get to experience. Not only have we developed as sisters, we have become friends.

Tonight, I watched her as she talked on the phone, made dinner, and balanced her two rambunctious (but precious) boys. And I sat in awe. She was still the essence of perfection I always admired, but she was also human. In the privilege of getting to live with her, I have gotten to see just how human she is. And it, once again, is perfection.

We have had some amazing conversations. Ranging from anywhere to religion, to politics, to family dynamics. We have discussed why weren't as close as some sisters, and why our relationship is where it is now. She has inspired me to be all that I can be (yes, I am aware at how cliche' that sounds).

The bottom line is that she is my inspiration. Do I want to lead her exact life? I do not know. But I do know I want to have the same vigor in life as she does. She has her downfalls, but she falls ever so gracefully. If I could amount to just a little of her, I would be proud.

I love her like no other, and I wish she knew how special she was.

I love you, Allison.

Love,

Ash

Pain Comes in Stages. If we don't make it, nothing changes

"I'll find strength in pain, and I will change my ways."

For those who do not know me, you might not know that the past year has been extremely hard on me. And for many who do know me, you might not know either. If you had asked me about my mental state two months ago, I would have told you I've surrendered. The pain was too much to bear. It wasn't until a friend reminded me of one of my favorite songs the other day (Paint the Silence - South) that I realized how my mental state has changed. The lyrics are:

How can you say your life is empty
So late in the day
Why would you stay another second
Now your sights got in the way
A combination of love and aggression
Another second lived

Don't paint the silence black now save me
Don't leave it a day
You got a right to stand or die so maybe
You take chances all the same
Pain comes in stages if we don't make it
Nothing changes

Now the violence sleeps inside
Abandoned feeling for just a piece of mind
It's the reason why your teething side frustrates me (irates me)

Don't leave me to pick up on your questions
Not even a day
It's alright to finish up your sentence
You talk all the same
Pain comes in stages if we don't make it
Nothing changes

I have a new feeling of not wanting to succumb. I do not want this thing inside of me to win. Does that make it less painful? No. But if I cannot make it through this, then what have I accomplished? I am a goal setter. Surrendering is not a goal. So I have finally come up with my New Years resolution:

I am going to fight. And I am fighting for me, not because others tell me to.

So here is to keeping our resolutions.

Listening to:

Paint the Silence - South

Music. My Heart.

Anybody who likes music will say that they have the best taste in music, and rarely will they ever concede to this point of view. At least, this is the way I see music.

I've been questioning what I'm doing with my life a lot lately. Which I think is good. This is the time that I am supposed to be questioning. I get scared sometimes that I am going into my profession because I want financial stability, not because I actually will love what I am doing. When I think of something I love, it's music. No, I do not play an instrument, nor do I sing, but I have a relationship with music.

It's more than tunes and words to me. It's a feeling. It's a feeling that will grab me and sometimes swallow me whole. It will embrace me and cradle me, and sometimes it will throw me to the wolves. Do I have the best taste in the world? Probably not. I definitely love my Britney Spears and Taylor Swift (Oh hush, you know you have some guilty pleasures, too). But it's so subjective, and that's what I love about it. I grew up reading Rolling Stone and fantasizing about one day writing for them; or being a music critic in general. It's so Almost Famous, right?

But in reality, it's the truth. If I could do absolutely anything in my life, I would be a music critic. I want to contribute to someone else's life with music like it was for me. I want to place, what I consider to be, the most powerful thing in the world in someone's life who needs it. Who is in a hard place and needs something to ground them. Bring music to someone who is so elated, they can only find their own words in someone else's. Music is a spirit, and I want to be responsible for putting spirit into someone else's life.

But will I ever really do it? To my dismay, probably not. I love music, but like most of my relationships, I am scared to commit to it. Growing up financially unstable, I am scared to go into a profession where so few make it. But I am thinking of starting a music blog. I will let you know how that goes. But for now, family law here I come.

Listening to:

Big Jet Plane - Angus and Julia Stone

One doesn't have to be the loneliest number

Relationships aren't me. There is really no getting by that. It's just not really what I'm into. Maybe one day when the time is right it'll be for me, but not any time soon. Besides, I don't feel it is something you plan. It isn't like the world is a marketplace where you go find "the right one" or even "the one to just pass the time." When it is right, it'll happen. I think when people try to force themselves out of their loneliness is where everything goes wrong. When you try to feel something with someone else just because you want to feel something, anything, that is when there is trouble. You cannot find yourself through someone else, no matter how hard you try. What is going to happen down the line is you realizing you are only a shell of someone, and what you are projecting to the world is someone else. You are someone else's image because you tried to find yourself through another person. How can you ever be truly you that way? This is when we see the bitter breakups and the ugly divorces.

Obviously I haven't found myself. And it'll probably take a while for me to do so. If someone comes along for the ride, then let them. But being single doesn't define me. And I'm doing just fine.

Listening to:

Pyro - Kings of Leon

Everlasting Light - The Black Keys

It starts with a flood and ends with a tr-tr-trickle

What can I do to help?

As long as you ask at a convenient time.

I'm here to talk if you need it!

But as long as we can only talk about you for a few minutes. Oh, and please do not talk about anything real. That makes me uncomfortable.

Tell me about you! What's going on?

But please keep it limited to good gossip. If there is nothing to gossip about, I'm not interested.

Why do you feel like that?

Can't you just, like, get over it already?

I know what you mean!

Because I want to minimize what you're feeling so we can somehow make this about me...duh.

I'm always here!

Especially if you want me to look at you like you're pathetic. Oh! And I can remind you why my life is worse!

Are you sure you're ok?

Oh, did I mention that there is really only one answer to this? Otherwise I can't deal with you.

Why can't you be a good friend?

It's not like there is something actually wrong with you. You're just being dramatic.

When the gust came around to blow me down, I held on as tightly as you held on to me

co·de·pend·ent - adj.

of or pertaining to a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted, as to alcohol or gambling, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way.

Dictionary.com is pretty good at giving the definitions to words that I think are most fitting. It was not until today I learned a completely new concept of the word codependent, and realized that I am an extremely codependent person.

But how can that be? I'm not addicted to anyone. I don't have a problem with alcohol or gambling. So how on earth could I possibly be codependent?

As I sat down to write, I thought I would write out my entire thought process and the lesson that I learned today that led me to my conclusion, but I am not. Part of my codependency is the need for others to understand me, and that would be all I am doing in writing it out. Normally I write on here to have a moment of self realization, but I've already had that today.

So my real thought today is that I want you to question what is around you. Just because it is the "norm" doesn't mean that is supposed to be. You don't always have to be something for someone. Be something for you.

Listening to:

Down by the Water - The Drums

Well...It could be worse...

I seriously cannot stop laughing...

Because You Just Have to Ask

I know you're good
I know you're right
I know you mean the best
everytime you stop by
don't know what to say
or know how to act
cause I'm still moved by you
cause you just have to ask

No it doesn't hurt
unless I walk.
I don't feel pain
unless I try to talk.
I don't even cry
unless I open my eyes.
I don't need to kick or scream or curse
No, it doesn't hurt.

You don't have to call
to make sure I'm up
cause I'm still wide awake
cause I'm still lost in shock
I know you're concerned
I know you're just sick
and I know you'd feel better
if I were over it.

No it doesn't hurt
unless I walk.
I don't feel pain
unless I try to talk.
I don't even cry
unless I open my eyes.
I don't need to kick or scream or curse
No, it doesn't hurt.

I am wind.
I am the sand.
I am scared.
I am a woman.
And I'm fine
cause I deserve
the time to feel hurt.

I know you're good.
I know you're afraid.
and I know its futile
would you just let me me.
So what will you say
what you've haven't said?
The question you asked me just
makes me feel better you left.

No, it doesn't hurt
unless I move.
I don't feel anything
unless I think of you.
I don't even cry
unless I open my eyes.
I don't need to kick, or scream

No it doesn't hurt
unless I walk.
I don't feel anything
unless i try to talk.
I don't even cry
unless I open my eyes .
I don't need kick or scream or curse.
No.

It doesn't hurt.

Third Wheel.

When looking at the group dynamic of my friends, I'm constantly what some people would call "the third wheel." That is not necessarily a bad thing. I've always been the girl who doesn't do the whole committed relationship thing, even though a majority of my friends do. And you can constantly find me hanging out with my friend and their significant other. That's just the way it has always kind of worked. Occasionally I will find that it can bother me, but for the most part I'm fine with it. That is until this last weekend. I went home to visit with friends over the weekend, which was extremely nice. But on Saturday I found myself in our favorite local coffee shop sitting with four of my friends. But these four friends were couples, so I was playing fifth wheel rather than third wheel. As they were talking, I had one of those "this is my life" moments. I became extremely disturbed that this was the role I was always playing. Whether I am in the coffee shop, or sitting in my room with my roommate and her boyfriend, my role is always lonely girl. Now, this is not some desperate plea for me to have a significant other anytime soon; it's more of me wonder why I cast myself in the role that always is alone. Because of my "love" to push people away, I know I do this intentionally (even if it is through my subconscious). That's kind of sad, isn't it? As I sat down to write this, I was hoping that I would come to some revelation about how I should fix it, but the truth is, I have no clue. I know I'll continue to be the third wheel as I always am. I am a huge proponent of making the change you want, but I have no idea how to make this change. There is not a way to change my DNA to make me a second wheel, or even a first or fourth. Just my thoughts for the night...

Listening to:

Tighten Up - The Black Keys

Ali Woke Up, 8 am, Graduation Day.

It is currently past 2 in the morning, and I am dancing around (nothing too strenuous, doctors. The knee is holding up just fine) and cleaning my dorm room. Everyone is gone for fall break, so it is like I have the entire building to myself. It might be insane, but late at night is when I am most productive. I'm almost certain I was meant to be an owl (Perhaps further explanation of my obsession with birds? Maybe?). On my pandora station, "A Lifetime" by Better Than Ezra came on. I can't help but giggle when I hear it. My best friend's name is Ali. In my eyes, it is possible that she hung the moon and stars. I can remember when we were sophomores in high school, Ali was riding in the car with her brother, Jefferson. "A Lifetime" came on, and I think Ali freaked out. The very first lines of the song are: "Ali woke up, 8 am, graduation day. Got into her car, crashed along the way." Sounds so pleasant, right? I wasn't actually in the car when Ali heard this, but when I saw her a few hours later, she played me the song and I could see the worry written all over her face. Although I don't know if she'll ever admit it, I think she was scared that Better Than Ezra just immortalized her fate in their song. I'm sitting here laughing just thinking about it. I even poked fun at her for it many times. Next time I see her, I'll probably do the same thing. But I am not going to lie, I was worried on Ali's graduation day. I kept thinking: "Ashlee, here comes karma. She is going to get in a car wreck all because you made fun of her for that song." I was so worried that I even texted her on my way to her graduation, but of course she was too busy to answer which worried me even more. But to much of my relief, I saw Ali's family and was able to breathe easier. Ali had the honor of saying the pledge at the graduation since she was Student Council President. Everyone around could tell that Ali was nervous as she said the pledge to hundreds of people. Her boyfriend and I started to laugh, and Ali's mom (who was laughing too, although she'll never admit it) kicked us and told us to stop. But I think Anderson and I were laughing for different reasons. I think Anderson was laughing for the sake of Ali's nerves, but I was laughing because I was so happy that Ali was here to get nervous. All day I had been imagining what life would be like without Ali in it, and it was frightening. Being at different colleges now has given a more realistic view of that, and it is miserable. I am so lucky to have her in life, even if we may be 6 hours apart now. I think I might have even brought up "A Lifetime" to Ali on graduation night, but I can't be sure. I am glad it is something we can laugh about now. I only wish that she were here to dance around my room with me : )

So I stand in the sun, and I breathe with my lungs

I cannot describe how beautiful Memphis is right now. It is no secret that I am not Memphis' biggest fan, but Memphis in the fall is nothing but beautiful. It fills my heart with so much joy when I drive by the pumpkin patches; the Starbucks signs advertising their seasonal treats; the leaves fluttering down on me with their new colors. Just breathing in the air is beautiful. And when I get upset or mad, I feel so guilty because I should be grateful; grateful to be able to see the beauty that surrounds me. Last night I had one of my not-so-good nights while being on duty as a RA. It was one in the morning and I was just furious that this kid has put me through the ringer. But as I was walking back to my dorm, I stopped. I just stood in the crisp air and looked up to the moon. I was so overwhelmed with how wonderful my surroundings were. For just those few minutes, every insignificant thing was gone, and I was just there. And I can't help but wonder why I can't take more moments like that in the day where I just stand still and breathe. One of my closest friends has one of the most beautiful souls you could ever imagine. Now, this can be said of all four of my closest friends, but the way Emily looks at things is incredible. She can see the beauty in things that I would have never had a second thought about. Just the way a flower has bloomed can make her entire day. I often find myself envying her that I can't notice beauty like that. I can watch her just looking into the sky, or humming a song and see how elated she is. And then I feel grateful to have her as a puzzle piece to my life. So here's to being a little more like Emily. Here's to standing in the sun and breathing with my lungs. I love you Emily : )

But I am older now...

Lately I have been obsessed with the concept of "growing up" and a "loss of innocence". I don't know why I have been constantly thinking about it. I have been doing a lot of reflection and I am always wondering what it means to grow up. I know plenty of "adults" who I think are still growing up. Do we ever stop growing up? The phrase "I was young and naive" always seems applicable. I can say it now referring to high school. When I am thirty I can say it in reference to my twenties. When I am forty I can say it in reference to my thirties, and so forth. Sometimes I think I am scared that I will always be running and will never be settling down. And that is not completely a bad thing. But I think I want that point where I take a deep breath and say, "I did that when I was young and I did it because I was young." And then there is a loss of innocence. As a lover of literature, my favorite works are those that are "coming of age stories" where there is a loss of innocence. There is something so beautiful about that to me, even if that loss is sometimes tragic. It's beautifully tragic. But then I come back to real life. Our innocence is often lost when we crash into life. And it is very rare that crash is anything but a mess. Do I love the concept so much now? I don't know if I have an answer to that question. Maybe reflection on it is poetic, but when it happens it hurts like hell. So is that beautiful tragedy worth it? Would we still choose to have that loss for the sake of its symbolism and the growing we do?

Life I Love You. All Is Groovy.

I find that I have been complaining a lot lately. It's not on purpose, but it always seems to be the easiest thing to do. I want to be upset with how things happened, and how they happened to me, but that never does me any good. I get so caught up in it that I forget about how I am blessed now. I recovered from something this year that many people don't get to recover from. I finished my freshman year of college when many people told me to take time off. I am surrounded by some of the most amazing people that I take for granted everyday. Have you ever listened to that Simon & Garfunkel song "The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy)"? I'm sure you have, but have you ever really listened to it? I usually listen to it first thing in the morning. Actually, there was a time that I listened to it every single morning as I would get ready for my day. Sometimes I am convinced that if I could listen to that song every morning while walking down the street (the weather would always be perfect, of course), and if I could talk to the lamp-posts and get fresh sunflowers, that every single day could be a good one. Isn't it funny how music can do that to you? Do you think Simon & Garfunkel knew what feelings they were creating when writing this music? I would like to think that they did. I want to say that they started a revolution, but that is probably inaccurate. Maybe I could say that they started a revolution in me. At least the beginnings of one, anyway. I think my goal for this school year (well one goal on the list of many) will be find something in my life every morning that can make me say "life I love you, all is groovy."

"I Want to Leave Room in My Life to be Inspired"

This summer I have had the privilege of meeting one of the most inspiring people. She isn't someone you read about in the New York Times, or a critically acclaimed author (watch out, she might be someday). Technically, she's just my boss. But I feel that each day I come into the office I leave just a little bit wiser. She could talk to wall if she had to, and I wouldn't be surprised if the wall eventually talked back just because she is just that captivating. About a month ago she and I had a conversation about where we're going in life. I, of course, talk about my plans of law school and how I'll never deviate from my plan. She, however, says that she would be content to start something new. And there I sat confused. This woman is so successful in her career, but yet she would be happy to just start all over. I asked about this, and told me a story of a boy who was inspired by a professor and led a very successful life, but much different from the one he had planned before he met this professor. She then says to me, "I want to be like that. I want to leave room in my life to be inspired." And I kind of felt like I had been hit over the head. These are the words that I search for through countless songs and literature, and here I was sitting across a desk from a person who just inspired me more than any song or book. And I've been holding on to what she said that day. Does my plan leave room for that inspiration? I feel that there are times that I feel I receive inspiration, but then don't know what to do with it. I want to do something bigger than me, but what? I seem to always play on the safe side. I hope my semester abroad will allow me act on my inspiration. I want to do things that I never thought I'd do; push myself to new extremes. Most of all, I want to find me. I want to live and love. I want to be inspired.

"You realize that the sun don't go down, it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round"

Listening to:

Do You Realize? - The Flaming Lips

So the past few days have been the best days of summer, by far. Three of my best friends in the world came to visit me in Memphis. It's funny that it took people from home to show me how much I really do enjoy this city. They found beauty in things that I take for granted. I absolutely loved getting to take them around and show them, what is now, "my town". Last night we went to a hookah bar and had a great conversation that varied from things like our future careers, relationships, to even our childhood. I talked about how my childhood has caused me to go for a career that will guarantee me stability rather than doing a job that I want more than anything to do. It brings up the question of when do we take risks to feel fulfilled, and when does it cross the line of practicality? Like if I strove to achieve my dream job, I think I absolutely could one day do it. But because of my childhood, I don't think that I can make the sacrifices it would take to actually reach that ultimate goal. But when I'm 40 will I be bitter that I never took the risk? I have so many things I want to do with my life ; I want to travel, own vineyards, learn an instrument, maybe fall in love. But to do these things it all seems to lead to the point that I need to have financial stability, even if that means doing something that I don't absolutely love. So does that mean that the ends satisfy the means? I feel like I'm going to get so caught up in achieving "the means" that I am going to forget to live. I want to be this carefree person who throws caution to the wind, but at the end of the day it comes down to me being afraid to not do life by the book. I just want to be happy, and I feel like I'm coming up to that checkpoint in life that at whichever road I take is going to determine my happiness and it'll be awhile before I get to the next checkpoint to do something different. And in the end, I know I am over thinking things; I should just be worrying about "the now", but it's in my nature to worry about "the then". Just something to think about...

I hope this what I am doing when I'm 80: